Why therapy is so important for your happiness?
Learn how unresolved inner trauma shapes your life and how therapy and coaching can help you heal, grow, and rediscover yourself.
Hey,
It’s Alex.
Imagine you have a big dream:
Having a nice car.
Buying a big house.
Or… Building a family.
You can see a picture in your mind of how all this looks…
…And you live day by day, imagining yourself in that reality in the future.
You want this reality so much that most of your present life you spent working very hard for it.
You hustle so hard…
… That you give up on most of the things you could feel and enjoy around you.
Most of your present life isn’t about feeling and living it.
It’s about preparing yourself so that one day you can enjoy it in the future.
And then, finally, one day, you achieve it.
You are living your dream.
You bought your big house.
You drive a fancy car.
And… Your kids are running around.
But inside?
Something is wrong.
For some reason, you can’t feel it.
You can’t enjoy it the way you imagined.
It’s as if the muscle of joy and feeling has gone numb…
And the house?
Is too big and needs a lot of work and repairment.
The car?
You’re constantly worried someone will steal it because it’s too fancy for your neighborhood.
And the kids?
You love them, but they require so much patience and attention.
So, you do what you know best.
You start thinking about the next thing.
You imagine a new dream.
A bigger house.
Another car.
Better education for the kids.
You just need a little bit more hustling,
and everything will start being okay as it is…
But this time, it’s harder.
It’s harder to push yourself toward the next thing.
Inside, it feels like someone sold you a picture of life that doesn’t match your reality.
It feels totally different from what you imagined.
And time…
All those years of your life you sacrificed to get all these “toys” — you’re not even sure you want them anymore.
You look around, and for some reason, people can’t understand what’s bothering you.
You tell yourself, “I have everything. How dare I not be grateful and happy?”
With time,
This state of not being aware of what’s actually going on can grow into something bigger…
Some people call it a “midlife crisis.”
A time of: “I’m done with this 💩 I’m gonna do what I want…”
It’s the time when men buy Harley-Davidson bikes and join bizarre communities.
And women dye their hair pink and join wild Zumba classes.
These people are brave.
They aren’t numbing what they feel; they’re trying to solve it with changes.
Others try to numb it with alcohol, video games, or other addictions.
But the truth is…
There’s no action in the world that can actually solve it.
To make this uncomfortable feeling go away.
You can travel the entire globe and still feel it.
You can drink the entire local bar and know exactly how you’ll feel the next day.
You can play video games until 3 AM or try to buy the entire world.
It won’t disappear.
It’s so deep that, eventually, you don’t even feel it as pain anymore.
Some explain it as boredom or a lack of meaning.
Others blame the world around them or their parents.
There are no right words or actions for it.
But there is a place where it comes from.
It comes from inside you.
It comes from your past, a time you mostly don’t remember.
And the annoying thing It could be anything…
And this “anything” pushed you to become who you are today.
This “anything” is an event or several events.
Events from your past that pushed you to develop survival mechanisms to avoid feeling the pain. And these mechanisms can be shown in your character and daily behavior until today.
How? It’s easy to spot it. Just look more careful…
Some people develop survival mechanisms like perfectionism.
Others become overly nice and kind, sometimes to the point where it doesn’t feel genuine.
Others are constantly anxious and try to control everything around them.
All these behaviors help us to survive.
It helped us to survive times when there was no other way.
No other choice:
Than being perfect just to get some love.
Than being nice in order to get crumbs of attention.
No other way to feel safe and secure than to try to control everything around.
When we stop these behaviors, it feels like we stop being ourselves.
It’s not comfortable.
It can be scary to death.
But beneath that discomfort and fear lies the real you.
You that you neglected and forgot about.
So why is it so important to understand these behaviors, work through them, and let them go?
Because you’re investing a HUGE amount of energy into being that person.
You’re investing an enormous amount of energy to contain your inner trauma instead of healing it.
And the most significant reason?
When you live your life through your inner trauma — trauma you can’t understand or even feel anymore — you don’t truly know who you are.
Most of your personality and behavior are shaped by that inner trauma.
Your dreams?
They’re not because you truly want them. They’re because you believe achieving them will finally make you happy and at peace.
But that never happens! Ask anyone who’s achieved something big in life.
When you live through your trauma, with survival mechanisms preventing you from feeling your real emotions, you might find yourself:
Building the wrong career.
Starting a family with the wrong person.
Getting hooked on addictions or destructive behaviors.
This is a serious issue.
And people don’t give it enough attention and think that you just need to keep pushing and it will fade away.
But… There’s no need to run off right now, get divorced, or quit your job.
It’s about being aware.
Being aware that, statistically, about 60-70% of people have experienced at least one traumatic event during childhood, such as neglect, abuse, or household challenges, which deeply influences their emotional patterns and behaviors as adults.
Felitti, V. J., et al. (1998). The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study: Relationship to adult health outcomes. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258.
And if you feel like your life isn’t getting better with time or getting worse — there’s a way to change it.
Find yourself a good, trustworthy psychotherapist. Someone who knows what they’re doing.
I can’t help you heal (not yet). I’m studying Gestalt Psychotherapy, but I’m not taking clients who want to work on their inner trauma right now.
However, I can be part of the process.
I can be your coach and help you to go through that uncomfortable process of becoming alive and real again.
Coaching and psychotherapy together can be the best thing you do for yourself.
Because you heal and grow at the same time.
It is like experiencing life with a booster.
Reply to this email with “I’m interested,” and I’d love to talk to you about your challenges and how we can solve them together.
Take care,
Alex
Result coach for business owners & entrepreneurs.